Contemplations
by Astrela
Summary: All he had ever yearned for was acceptance. But he knew. He knew that people would be afraid of him. He’d be a beast in their eyes – nothing more than a brutal, bloodthirsty monster.


A/N: Heyy… this is the first fic I've ever written; if it's not good or anything, please tell me. I know some expressions are not exactly, um, used correctly, so please notify me of any mistakes, thanks. There's also not much of a plot now, I'll see whether people think it's rubbish or not before I continue. Review, please! Thanks. (:

  
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_Remus Lupin._

He stared intently at the name he had written and snorted in disgust. Who _was_ he, anyway? '_A nobody, that's what,' _his mind told him, '_and you'll never, ever be anybody. You're a werewolf. Society hates you.'_

He sighed and put down his quill. He glanced over at his friends, laughing and joking, and fought hard to suppress a surge of jealousy. He felt so… ordinary beside them. James Potter and Sirius Black. The height of cool. The most popular students to ever walk through Hogwarts' walls.

Sirius, no doubt, had the looks. Everything, from his smooth black hair that hung in his eyes (in what the girls would consider a 'cute' manner) down to his toned, muscular body, was perfect. He was the ladies' man; the girls simply adored him. Remus cringed, recalling the number of times he had stumbled upon Sirius snogging one girl or another. _And_ there was that one time he had seen him done something… worse with a particularly pretty seventh year.

And then there was James. He was Gryffindor's Quidditch star – the best Seeker the school had seen in years. He was a natural, gifted sportsman. He had lightning reflexes; he never failed to catch the Snitch. Off the pitch, he was extremely well liked and respected by students of all houses. Well, except for Slytherin, of course.

As for Peter, well, he never _did_ have many achievements. But he _had _managed (albeit with great help from Sirius and James) to become an Animagus, didn't he?

'_Now why can't I be more like them?_' he thought bitterly.

He was sure he didn't have any good qualities about him. Sure, he got good grades, but that was through hours and hours of hard work; James and Sirius usually received E's and O's – if not for the occasional A – while slacking throughout the year, gallivanting about, pulling of pranks… he smiled inwardly at this though. They _were_ the Marauders, after all. 

He sighed, glancing at the blank parchment before him, realizing that he had not written a word. _The properties of moonstones…think… _His quill hovered, millimeters above the parchment, but he could not process any information. His mind would not allow him to concentrate on his homework, instead, taunting him mercilessly with thoughts he would rather not have.

He hated himself.

He hated the way he withdrew from others. It was fear; he was afraid that they would find out about his lycanthropy and shun him. All he had ever yearned for was acceptance. But he knew. He knew that people would be afraid of him. He'd be a beast in their eyes – nothing more than a brutal, bloodthirsty monster.

'_And you _are_ one_,' he told himself, viciously.

"Hey, Moony!" Sirius' voice broke his chain of thought.

Sirius sauntered up to him from the other side of the common room, continuing casually, "You haven't by any chance done McGonagall's essay, have you? I was wondering if I could, you know, _borrow_ it."

Remus sighed. "Yes, Sirius, you can copy mine – but make sure you change some of it so no one can tell."

"Got it," Sirius flashed him a dazzling grin, which, Remus noted, made several girls glance at him hopefully. "What _would_ I do without you?"

"Well, you could actually do your own homework for once," offered Remus.

Sirius snorted as if the idea was perfectly preposterous. "And whatever the fuck for? Life is meant to be _enjoyed, _Moony. Speaking of which, Prongs, Wormtail and I have just been discussing what to do for our latest prank. You'll love it, I fuckin' swear, it's going to be spectacular!"

Remus winced. "You shouldn't swear so much, you know," he warned, "and don't go getting yourselves into trouble again."

"Oh, get over it, Prefect Boy. They're just words. What's the big deal?" was the reply, delivered with a perfect roll of the eyes. Smirking, he added, "I'll know you'll help us, you always do."

"I won't, this time." But Remus knew he would. All three of them, Sirius, James and Peter, meant too much to him and he wouldn't risk their friendship for anything. After all, they had stuck by him even after they'd known his secret. '_Not something that anyone else would have done_,' he thought.

"Oh, you will," drawled Sirius lazily, "I'm going to the dorm with the rest, if you don't mind."

"Go on, then, I want to finish my essay on moonstones first."

Sirius stifled a yawn. "God, in all honesty, I don't know how the hell you manage all that work. I would have friggin' _died_. Well, good night, mate."

"Good night, Padfoot," Remus muttered a reply, trying to concentrate on his essay.

As the rest of the students gradually disappeared from the common room, Remus sighed again. He'd done a lot of sighing lately, he thought dryly. He flipped through a frayed, worn copy of _Common Potion Ingredients_, his mind still full of self-deploring thoughts.

Moonstone is found in a variety of colors… its supposed magical effects include helping a person gain emotional balance…you're an outcast, Lupin, face it…emotional… balance…moonstone…outcast…

***

Oh yeah, credits to the Harry Potter Lexicon for the moonstone information.


End file.
